Butt Kicking

This move has truly kicked my butt.  I don't remember it being so complicated three years ago.  Most things have been broken along the way; tooth, car, internet, tv, phone and my mind.  I swear I've dropped into a technical and mechanical Bermuda Triangle.  Don't even get me started on the Bozo who took my order for Comcast.

I just walked to Whole Foods to get a bite for dinner.  I don't think I ran into anyone over the age of 30.  There are times when I feel really separate from youth like a dottering old fool.  Of course on the way home I walked in front of two girls who were talking about how they didn't get why high definition TV was such a big deal.  So, maybe it's a gender thing instead of an age thing....

I've maybe bought a house.  I don't want to jinx it by thinking this sale will go through.  Then, of course, I get to move again.  Where did my golden touch go?

Moving

Since I'm not painting, I don't feel compelled to write.  Then someone emails me to say they're reading it.  Of course that doesn't mean I have anything to write about.  I think it's interesting that the activity of the holidays and moving leaves little time for reflection.  I haven't had an original (to me) thought since all this began. 

I don't have a house in Portland so I will be putting my stuff in storage and living in an apartment.   Which means I won't have a place to paint.  I already miss the meditative state of painting and listening to music.  I'm a little concerned because I have so much to do right now that I don't have time to be depressed.  God only knows what will happen when I arrive in Portland and can't pursue my favorite occupation.  

Either the Portland homeowners haven't heard about the real estate market or they have, and are not selling.  The houses are sitting on the market and they are lowering the prices in incriments.  I know I've sold my house for much less than it's worth, but that was the price of being able to move to Portland.  Why don't the people up there get it?  They seem to think that because they bought their houses in 2005 or 2006 for too much money that, improvements or not, they are worth that much now.  A house is only worth what someone will pay for it.  I may have been blinded by the first house I fell in love with up there, but I won't be making that mistake again.  I'm planning on getting a house that's appropriately priced for the market.  I assume the homeowners up there will wake up pretty soon. 

In the mean time, back to the boxes.  Ugh!

Packing

I packed up my studio today.  I'm too busy to paiint and I want to get started.  I feel a little overwhelmed.  These are the times I hate being alone.  There's Christmas and moving; both huge chores.  I know I will get it all done.  I always do.

Contingencies; real estate is all about contingencies.  As of today, I don't have a house in Portland.  I thought I did, but now I don't.  So, I either find a house in the next couple of days or it's storage for my belongings.  It would be so much easier to move in somewhere directly, but if it's not to be, then it's not to be.  My sister reminds me that perhaps it's time to let go.  Isn't that advice all of us obsessive personalities love?

So, I will give it one more try, with one more house, and then I'll let go.

Let's talk.

Why don't more people open up? I know I talk too much at times, but I'd rather be like this than one of those secret keepers that keep it close to the cuff. Maybe it's experience or maybe it's time, but I never see any good come out of not communicating. This isn't a game we are playing and it will end eventually. I don't want to be one of those people who has regrets. I don't want to wish that I could say something to someone when it's too late. Speaking of which, I talked to the people whose house I was trying to buy. They finally went over the real estate agent's and called me. Good thing because I was really getting suspicious. I was not wrong about them. They are who they say they are; they're like me.  I'm sorry I didn't get their house, but I think I have made a terrific new connection and for that I'm grateful. Now back to the search. I know I will be comparing everything to the house I tried to buy, but I will just have to get over it. I sense that people are starting to panic a little about whether they will ever be able to sell their houses. I''m glad I'm a buyer.  Now if I can just figure out this PODS thing for storing my stuff....

Real Estate Hell

• I'm absolutely exhausted.  It's amazing how much energy I can put into something I want.  I found the most charming, most me house in Portland and the owners had accepted my offer and we just waiting to hear about the house they were going to buy.  Yesterday, out of the blue, I get a termination agreement as they decided not to sell the house to me. 
• I don't know why because no one would really tell me.  I don't know what happened in a few hours, but I suspect real estate agents of monkeying with stuff they shouldn't.  The sellers were absolutely delightful (and their son was amazing) and I thought we had some kind of open communication, but all that stopped as of last night.  If these people's house fell through, I totally understand, but if they are playing me they picked the wrong woman to tangle with. 
• Anyway, I guess I wasn't suppose to have that house and it's back to the drawing board.  I'm beginning to see the value in a house that isn't completely finished, although that would have made it an easy move for me. 
• I do know, without a doubt, that what people put out comes back to them several times over.  I think the reason I have such an awesomely charmed life is because I don't treat people unfairly,   I make an effort (big one) to put all my wants and needs aside to walk in someone else's shoes.  Although I can go through the emotional wringer, and it takes me awhile to get there, it's worked for 60 years. 

Inertia

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written.  So much has happened and is happening, and here I sit; spinning like top, going nowhere.  I've sold my house.  I've bought (sort of) one in Portland.  I'm waiting for the owners of the house in Portland to get settled on the house they are buying.  Then they can take their contingency off which is keeping the sale in limbo.  I am so damned good at letting others be in control.  In the mean time I keep looking at houses up there just in case.

Regardless of what happens with the house up there, I have to be out of my house by the 8th.  That's where the inertial part comes in.  I know I should be doing something about packing and something about Christmas and I sit doing nothing.  (Wait, I worked out.  Does that count?)

I think the most amazing thing is that I really like the people who bought my house.  They seemed to love the light and enery here.  My lovely creation will be in earth-loving, Obama supporter hands.  How cool is that?  AND we did the deal without real estate agents.  Yahoo!

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  Danica had at her house and it was lovely.  It's great to cook in her kitchen because she is right behind me, cleaning every mess I make.  What I am really thankful for is my family.  Second to that, I'm really thankful that all my problems are privileged people problems.

Lost in....

A friend emailed me yesterday and said he had checked out my newest paintings and read my blog.  So that's maybe 2 people reading it. 

I have gotten lost in real-estate-land.  I decided that since my house was ready I would put it on the market myself.  I found a realtor who would list it on the MLS for a fee, but I had to be willing to pay any realtors, who brought me a buyer, a percentage.  Works for me.  I'd rather pay someone 2 1/2 % and represent myself.  Given how I feel about realtors, I don't really want one representing me anyway....unless, of course, it's Lea in Portland. 

I love my house.  It's a beautiful and colorful reflection of me.  This is where I learned to be at peace with myself through my painting.  If I could take this house and move it to Portland, I would do it in a flat minute.  However, that's not an option so I will continue on this path.

Yesterday was the first day on the MLS and I had two showings.  You should have seen me running around throwing stuff in cupboards and the garage.  To say I wasn't quite ready.....  I think showings will be slow in this market, but it will force me to keep my house picked up and neat.  One of these days, I may even start painting again.

Blogity blog blog blog

I think it's easy to tell when I'm distracted because I don't write.  I got so bogged down in workmen and real estate agents it isn't even funny.  Now that i have all the painting and repairs done, I've decided not to sell.   That would be where the real estate agents come in.  No matter how much I like the agent, I think they are a bunch of blood sucking opportunists.  I was told I wouldn't get nearly what I wanted for my house; market is bad, it's too unique, blah, blah, blah.  So the idea is to sell my house for much less than it's worth and pay someone 6% to do it?  I don't think so.  If the market ever improves, I will put in on the market and I'm going to do it for sale by owner.  I'm not in any hurry so it won't hurt to get it out there. 

All this means that I don't get to shop for real estate in Portland.  Boo, hoo!  There's nothing that gets the juices flowing quite like the search for the perfect house.  The plan is to stay here and try to spend more time in Portland. 

Some day...

New and Improved

I have modified the painting Out My Front Door and posted it right above the first version. 

I'm much happier with it and I have some friends coming to help me hang it in my stairwell.  Essentially I haven't had any paintings up there since I had the walls repainted.  Now that I'm "staging" my house to sell, I have to make it look complete.

Essentially, this whole process sucks.  I've been packing away stuff, cleaning the garage, and trying to do the rest while the painters and carpenters are here.  I'm pretty well exhausted.  Looks like there won't be any time to paint for a while. 

Change

As I predicted, I forgot most of the great thoughts I had the other day, but a new one or two have popped up.  Basically, I'm thinking about moving to Portland.  I love my house here.  I built it just for me and it has lots of studio space.  However, it also has half an acre to be dealt with and yesterday I found a lizard in my laundry basket.  It is beautiful, private and has a great view, but I'm tired of nature coming in the house.  

The biggest problem is that I can't afford to buy something until I sell this one and the market here sucks.  So...this won't be in the foreseeable future.  I do have an opportunity on a house in Portland, owned by a relative, that is empty and greatly in need of remodeling.  If I could do some creative financing, I might be able to supervise the design and construction and if my house here doesn't sell, I could try to sell the one up there.  The market up there is not as depressed as ours.

The best laid plans.....reading the paper about the economy scares the pants off me.  Time to elect Obama. 

Starting again....

Sometimes I have so many epiphanies that I can't narrow it down to one.  Then they all get lost.  So, I've decided to use this blog to see if I can't slog my way through the ideas that keep coming.  Some are holding me back and some are pushing me forward.  I think I need to pay attention to both because if I focus on what's holding me back, I can't be embracing the ones that move me forward.

I need to catch up with my thoughts.  I will start by what happened in California.  I received news that the painting I had entered in a show was not selected.  I have to say it really stunned me.  That was my best work.  I kept it to myself and ruminated endlessly on it.  Then my daughter, her boyfriend, and I went to a one-man studio/gallery in South Laguna.  It's one we've visited several times and once a friend of mine bought a piece of the artist's work.  The last two times he's not been in his gallery so we were left to peer into the windows at his work.   I've always loved his stuff because it's usually of water, ocean, sky, etc.  I would have thought the two paintings in his window were photos.  They were huge (maybe 6' by 7') and were of waves crashing on the shore.  They were stunning.  They also had been sold for $22,000 a piece.   The first time I was there he had a beautiful large triptych that was about $4000.  My daughter said his work had really taken off and I could see why. 

My epiphany is that I allow other people's opinions to dictate my artistic self worth.  This is not such a new or startling concept, but I see it through a different end of the binoculars.  I have been painting for the benefit of others so my work will be accepted and lauded.  That, I think, will make me really feel like an artist.  But what I really want is for my paintings to be like the song I'm listening to; Alanis Morrissette'sNot As We (not to mentionTorch andIn Praise of the Vulnerable Man).  They are so beautiful I want to cry and my emotions soar.  That's what I want my art to do; but for me, not for anyone else.
 

I have two brand new canvases up on my easels.  I have cleaned the studio (anything to delay exercising) and I'm ready to paint what I really want even if it takes me a year to finish one.  I want to paint the sky again and the ocean; the place I love the most.  I will never be able to paint like the artist in Laguna and really I don't want to.  I want to paint what I want, the way I want.  I have no idea if I have the talent to do it, but I'm willing to try. 

Road Trip

I just got home from a road trip to California.  I went down for the memorial service of an old friend and to see my daughter.  The friend died of ovarian cancer at the age of 60.  She was one of those women of which nothing bad could be said.  She truly was liked by all and her tributes were many.  Her husband had made numerous collages of their photos and it was great to see pictures of us with our babies and young children.  Why does looking back give us the impression that everything was simpler then?  I know it wasn't, but what drives us to think so?

Busy, busy, busy...

I've posted a couple of new paintings on this site.  I have to admit that I haven't been very prolific this summer.  I'm glad I finished the painting Out My Front Door.  I'd like to say that's what my garden looks like, but I'd be lying.  Let's just say it is similar.  I've not really done such realistic painting, but I just got carried away in the details. My daughter got married in California, which was great fun.  Other than obsessing on that and working on my yard, I haven't done too much painting.

When the weather is nice, I just want to loaf around, go to the farmer's market, and putter in the garden.  I've been picking blueberries every other day and I can eat them by the bowlful.  My other obsession has been getting rid of the snakes in my yard.  I hate snakes and they had just about driven me out of the yard.  I finally hired someone to come clean up the hill and removed all the foliage from around the house.  Then I got these ultrasonic snake repellers that come from Australia and some rodent repellers that are suppose to help.  I learned all this from an online forum.  It was written by people in Georgia that have much more to worry about, snake-wise,  than my little garter snakes.  

It's suppose to be in the 90s today which is the signal for me to stay out of the yard and into the studio. 

Good looks

I watched the Antique Road Show a couple of weeks ago and there was this guy who brought some treasure in and was being interviewed.  He was probably 50 something and was wearing a black shiny toupee.  Now, mind you, he had eyebrows so I don't think it was a chemo thing.  Anyway I was struck, not for the first time, by how we see ourselves.  As we grow older we sort of squint at ourselves, recognize our youthful familiarity and carry on thinking that's how the rest of the world sees us.  How else do you explain some of the choices people make as their youth fades?

There was a time in my life when I wanted to start a magazine called, "Don't You Know How Stupid You Look?".  I was planning on the first issue being dedicated to men at the gym.  Now mind you, I know lots of women who look stupid too, but men just leave themselves so wide open....  Maybe it's their lack of awareness...

OK, I mean.  What else is new?

Point?  I do it too.  I shower, blow dry my hair, put on make up and get dressed.  I look in the mirror with that sort of squinty look that says I look good and off I go.  Then I walk by a big window somewhere and get a glimpse of myself.  Jesus, I hardly recognize that ordinary, kind of frumpy older woman.  

It sucks.  I want my illusion.   

Competition

I have been thinking a lot about competition.  It seems like the entire human race is in a competition; to get there first, to win the jackpot, to to become famous, to have a bigger, better whatever.  I don't think the outcome is positive. 

Occasionally when I can't fast forward through the commercials fast enough, I get a glimpse of a preview for a new reality television show.  My immediate reaction is, "Who would watch this crap?  Who?  And What is our society coming to?".   The answer is actually pretty clear; lots of people must be watching to continue the cycle, which begets more crap.  These television programs encourage people to do the basest things imaginable to get fame and fortune.  Jesus, would you really dress up in some ridiculous outfit, make a fool of yourself, eat worms or swim with snakes to get a prize or some money?  But, I don't think it's about the prizes; I think it's about what Andy Warhol coined as the "Fifteen minutes of Fame" syndrome.  It's about winning. 

And where do I even get started on why we pay such rapt attention to someone like Paris Hilton....  Well, you get my point. 

Then, of course, there is our behavior behind the wheel of our automobiles.  First, people seem to think they are safer if they have the biggest fucking rig they can find.  They are not affected by the cost of gas or the environment.  It's all about them and be damned anybody who gets in their way.  How about the people who wait until the last minute to make a required merge so they can get ahead of everyone possible?  What's that about? Almost worse are the people who try to purposely close the gap so no one can get in.   OK, here's the bottom line; are they getting there sooner?  Not really, so it's not about that.  It's about being first, being chosen, being the important one.. ..winning. 

And don't get me started on the rudeness of the all-important cell phone users.....

On a more personal note, I'm aware of how competition has ruled my life.  I use to be one of those drivers.  Although I have way too much pride to be on a reality show, I wanted the biggest and the best.  These are instincts I fight against every day. 

I was raised in the kind of environment that was a breeding ground for competition.  My father rewarded outstanding behavior and my mother humiliated me whenever possible.  It didn't help that I had an older sister who, it seemed to me, could do no wrong (the flip side being that I could do no right).  I got the sense that winning was everything.  That if you won you wouldn't feel like such a loser.  And, when I did win, after basking in the short term elation, I would just go back to feeling like a loser.  

The only thing I can do is to try and do better. 

Going Down?

UGH!  I've hit one of those down places.  I just keep wondering, "Why bother?"  I don't like it here, but there's not much I can do but ride it out.  God only knows I've been here before.