Checking in
It occurs to me, more often than not, that no one really wants to hear all this drivel. So, I'm only going to post here when I add new paintings or if any of my thoughts are earth shaking. (I imagine we can wait a while for that.) Anyway, I put up a new painting. I'm busy going through all my canvases and, either finishing, or painting over them. My temptation is to take out a new canvas and start fresh, but it's expensive and these take up a lot of room in my studio.
Snow
I'm waiting for it to snow. The local news guarantees us snow today. Of course, if there was a drama award for news, the Portland stations would have it hands down. They dig up every little bit of drama they can. No matter how insignificant it is; to them it's a big, big deal. Same with the local rag; all about the drama of Oregon. I have to read the NY Times to get any idea what's really going on. Actually, now that I think about it the international news is pretty damned scary.
You gotta love the people in Oregon. The grocery stores are probably really busy with people stocking up. I'm sure they think they are going to get snowed in. The last time we had any significant snow was in 1968. We had several feet, but the worst thing I remember happening was the mailman yelling at us for not shoveling our walk. This time I think I can tunnel my way to Whole Foods which is 6 blocks away.
Actually, I love the snow. It's beautiful and it begs for snow angels.
Laughter and Passion
I listen to music on a good pair of noise canceling headphones when I paint. Yesterday, I found myself dancing and jumping around to the music. I felt so good; my body so in tune. It was pure joy and passion. It felt like laughter. So, maybe I don't have to travel to unseen worlds if I have this in my life. If I can laugh with the pure joy of being.
I'm reading a book called Laughing Your Way to Grace. The author talks about why no one laughs in church. She says it's not surprising given the image with which most Christians grow up. They see God as an unsmiling and vengeful; certainly never laughing. She talks about how these images of God form in our childhood along with that whole list of rules that follow us throughout our life. You know the ones; you can't have dessert until you eat your dinner, you can't go out and play until you finish your homework, you can't....., you can't....., you can't. She says we continually say "no" to life's joys and desserts.
I guess the question is "why"? Is there some end we are working toward that necessitates us following the rules? She uses a quote from Erma Bombeck that clearly identifies the problem: "Think about the tragic nature of the women on the Titanic who, on that fateful evening, said no to dessert."
I don't want to say no to dessert, and joy, and laughter, and passion and freedom. I don't see the point. At the end of the day (or my life) I don't want to have turned my back on joy for a bunch of worthless "shoulds".
Digging in the ashes
It is said that we recreate the emotional scenarios from our childhood. That we will seek out the kind of relationships that give us the same emotional position we had as children. Well, I've been digging in the ashes; going over old strife and feelings of inadequacy. Where did it start? With an email from an old college friend. He and his wife are teachers in Morocco. They are getting ready to move to a small island south of Korea where they were both able to get jobs teaching. I have recieved pictures of their travels to the most exotic and interesting places. It's amazing. Then I was thinking about my friend, Megan, living in Ukraine as a Peace Corp volunteer.
I know it's fear that keeps me from doing anything very adventurous. I'm pretty sure that's what rules a lot of people's behavior. It's either fear of the unknown or, in a lot of cases, fear that we disappoint the less adventurous people in our lives. I think it's a little easier for Megan because she is single. She's not hampered by the fear driven co-dependency that many couples have. Obviously not Steven and his wife. They have kids, and I assume grandkids, so it's not like they have no ties. I am in awe of these fearless people.
Needless to say, my life pales in comparison. What holds me back? Well, I have kids, but they have their own lives; that's as it should be. I'm not in a relationship so that saves me from that whole other ball and chain. Maybe I'm just too comfortable to take many risks. It's safe here in my little life. I wonder, on my death bed, if I will have regrets.
I had better get into my studio. It's the one place where I feel accomplished and unafraid.
Coyote
I live in an urban Portland neighborhood. My house, and the surrounding ones, were built over a hundred years ago. It's really a great place to live. My niece lives two blocks away, with her husband and children. Yesterday I went to pick up the four year old and, as we stood at the window, she kept saying, "Look at the fox." We finally looked and sure enough, there was a large gray fox trotting down the sidewalk. It's so incongruous to see a coyote in the city. I know my neighbors have chickens...... Anyway, it's always fun to have a different experience. I think we all get mired down in our day to day existences and it's nice to be jolted out of the ordinary.
I'm working on the "oil wave" picture. It's coming along, but slowly. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do next, but I'm always looking for new ideas. I don't know how people stand to paint the same subjects all the time. I like to do land and seascapes, but other stuff catches my eye too. I saw a photo of posters being plastered all over a wall. It could make a very interesting, although meticulous, painting. I thought I would try to mix some mediums and see if I couldn't replicate something similar. We shall see.
My god it's a beautiful day. I am so grateful for my life and loved ones.
Finally
Finally I'm getting some traction with my painting. I worked so damned hard on that seascape with the sand without any positive movement. I finally gave up. I'm loath to do that because you can't imagine how many unfinished canvases I have.
I started a new painting that is the waves during the oil spill. I was struggling with the foreground and then decided to use some of the techniques that I employed on the previous sea/landscapes. It worked like a proverbial charm. It looks so cool! Now I just have to get the rest of it done:-)
Time
Wow, I had no idea so much time had passed since I wrote. I think about writing more than I actually do it.
I am now done with all the business of moving, holidays, etc. I took my time moving in because I really need this to be the last place I live. I have moved so many times that it's ridiculous. I know it has to do with restlessness and discontentment, but I think it has a lot to do with hope. I guess I just kept hoping that if I moved into the perfect place I would be happy. I always forget that I have to take myself and my life with me.
You know, I've always thought of myself as pretty smart. However, when I look back on my life I think that may not be true because otherwise I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. What amazes me the most is, the older I get the more I realize that what I thought I knew wasn't true. That a lot of the time I was wrong. It's kind of embarrassing because I come across as someone who knows what they are doing. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Braggarts
I went to a meeting the other night and the leader was bragging about all the good he's done in the world. Don't we get to a certain age, where we rest on our laurels, and don't have to point out every good thing we do? Does that mean they are only giving to get the recognition? Do they lack humbleness or are they just too obtuse to realize how they sound?
The older I get the more clearly I identify what people are saying. I think it's obvious that they should stop, because if I can see through them, so can others. Maybe they don't give a shit because they aren't nearly as self conscious as I am. Wouldn't it be nice if I had the ability to improve my self consciousness rather that my ability to recognize what idiots other people are?
Hurt
I love that this website connects me with people I thought were lost to me. I got an email from my old college roommate and I love catching up with her. I was writing her about what I was like now and I realized that I sounded pathetic. Bottom line; I have no tolerance for emotional pain and fear of it drives my life.
I am, however, painting.
Sand and Love
I was watching a TV program last night and one character asked the other, "How do you know when you are in love?". Her answer was, "All the songs make sense." So true. When I paint, I use a great headset. It must be love because the music still makes sense.
I started painting today. I'm working on the one I agonized over because I didn't know how to paint sand. I decided that rather than try to paint it, I would use it. My grand nephews and nieces have sand boxes with sand from the beach. I had to get a medium that would hold it and dry quickly and it actually looks kind of cool.
I realized I didn't have the right size canvas to begin the new one I want to create. So, I went online to see if there was a store I could go to that wasn't downtown. Guess not, but I did run across someone speaking at a store on "How to Write an Artist's Blog". Once again, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Talking To Myself
I think writing in this blog is the new age way of talking to myself. If I say it out loud, or in this case write it, I might hear it. Perhaps then I will be motivated to do what I say I'm going to do.
I went into my studio today to start organizing and I had to take something out to the garden shed. I ended up pulling weeds and pulling up plants. (After all, it's yard cart week.) I hate working in the yard. I certainly don't care if it says "wow", when I walk out there. I just don't want it to be too much of an embarrassment. My sister is a fabulous gardener and her yard is a real piece of art.
Time Flies
Time does fly. Seems to fly faster the older I get. I have moved and am getting settled in my new house. I am determined not to move again. This time it really kicked my butt. I just hope that all my friends and family will be brave enough to confront me if I come up with any idea that has "moving" in it. Actually, this house is perfect for me and has everything I need.
I realized, the other day, while hanging art and arranging furniture, that I create "sets". Each room has to please me enough so that I think "wow" when I walk in. My last house in Eugene was that way and it appears this one may be too. I really like it here.
I'm sort of puttering today and, as always, when I spend enough time alone, I start to ponder. If you would have asked me, ten years ago, who would be the bravest and most adventurous of my friends, I would have never (in a million years) have said Megan. Yet here she is, living in the Ukraine for two years as a Peace Corp volunteer. I so admire her willingness to be of service and go somewhere they don't have good coffee.
Yes, I've divorced, gone back to school, moved to different city, travelled, run the Rogue in an inflatable kayak and become an artist. The rest of my friends are pretty much doing exactly the same thing, in the same place with the same people. How do people who have so much creative energy end up doing the same thing, year after year, and someone like Megan, who never made a peep, is taking the biggest risk of all? I certainly don't have the answer.
Now that I've pondered all that, it's time for me to get down to brass tacks. The biggest risks I take these days is creating and showing other people my art. So, what room in my new house is not organized and useable? You got it; my studio. Guess I better walk the talk.
Remodel
I've been working on a sea scape and it's going well, but slowly. Probably because I'm trying to paint sand which is something new. I may not have too much time to paint since I started a remodel on my new house today. It's such a cool house, built in 1904 and filled with character and light. It has a pretty small front porch, but I thought there would be people to sit with me on the stairs; to enjoy the sun and passage of time. Oh well, can't have everything you ask for.
My studio is going to be fabulous if it ever gets done.
I give up!
OK, I guess I just don't have any talent as an abstract artist. I worked on that thing for a couple of hours and got nowhere. This is an old canvas on a craft center frame. This is about the 3rd or 4th go around on it and it weighs a ton.
I love it when people say about abstract art, "My four year old could do that." I'm here to tell you that your four year old might be able to do it accidently, but it's really not that easy. At least it's not for me.