Brain power
Last night I watched a program on OPB about the Higgs Boson. I understood, maybe, 3/4 of what they were talking about. Then they had a performance by Eric Clapton. I was immediately transported to something I totally understood. His guitar has always sung to me. When I was in college, my roommate and I would get "altered" and listen to Cream. I was always moved by the electric guitar and Robin's was the bass. (One of our friends said together she and I made the perfect woman.)
Anyway, I was remembering all this when I was listening to Clapton play the guitar. I wondered how he could stand up there for hours playing that amazing gultar and not have back pain? He's older than me. Then I realized that it's not painful if you are moved by the art. I can stand at my easel and not realize how badly my back hurts until I stop. I guess it's a remedy of sorts and I'm determined to continue doing it.
I am trying to go through my many half done canvases and attempting to finish them. I get about two thirds through a painting and if it's not going well, I stop and put it away. I have so many canvases that I could rent a warehouse and have a huge show. (Haha, I'd have to get a few of them back from family and friends.) That's about the only way I could get rid of all them. I could do it as long as I didn't have to attend.
Start
I'm afraid to write anything here because I've been dismal on my follow through. I am painting again, but don't know how far I will get. I finished/reworked one of the paintings I recently posted and I'm much more satisfied with it. I think I got sidetracked from my original plan which was to do abstract landscapes. I kind of got hung up in doing those ocean paintings and people seem to like them. I think, basically, people want something beautiful on their walls. I know I do. However, painting them is tedious and not very creative. All my life I have been able to copy anything you put down in front of me, but that's not what I want to do. I could paint the same realilstic seascapes over and over working on different wave patterns and colors, but it's boring and artists everywhere are painting that stuff. I want to create something that amazes me. Haha, pretty hard to come by.
Little by little
Seems the physical therapy is making things worse. I guess that's expected, but it's a little discouraging. Of course I would like it to be cured in two weeks. Nothing impatient about me.
I stood at the easel for about 1 1/2 hours. That's about all my back would take. I also decided that I'm not working on that painting anymore. It's frustrating that I can't quite get it to where I want it to be. So, if I can only stand at the easel for a limited amount of time, it won't be painting something that's frustrating. I'm going to start a new one.
Speaking of getting older....
I think my eyesight is pretty much back to normal and the holidays are over. I'm doing another round of physical therapy and it seems to be helping. I'd like to get back to being more active.
I cleaned and set up my studio yesterday and today I'm gong to try to finish that painting that is collecting dust on my easel. Then I'm going to try something new.
Haha! I feel pretty good.
Leaves and Aging
I think it's safe to write here again. My daughter settled her case and there will be no more lawyers; at least for a while.
I was walking my dogs today and enjoying shuffling and crunching through the many leaves that have fallen. It's cold and crisp out and I love the sound they make. It occurred to me that this was another example of remembering the joys of childhood. I mean, after all, is there a kid alive who doesn't love jumping in a crunchy pile of leaves?
I'm beginning to understand why old people talk so much about the past. Aging pretty much sucks. Your body is all fucked up and you look like hell. It's depressing to think about the present; how you haven't achieved what you thought you would in your lifetime. You are likely to be in a mostly dead relationship (where is that great love you thought you would have?). You have either retired or are close to retiring and where is fame and fortune? The days are endless and the years fly by.
OF COURSE WE WOULD RATHER LIVE IN THE PAST! There are all the joys of the "first times" to remember. I had a friend who said, if you could bottle anticipation you would have the world's greatest drug. When you get old the big anticipation is how you are going to deal with death (which is another entry).
Of course I like remembering my first love, great discussions about the meaning of life, my first car, sex, drugs and rock and roll. I would rather remember crunchy leaves. I guess I'm just fortunate to still be able to find the joy. I must really be getting old.
Seeing
I have had two eye muscle surgeries since May. Neither one was a success and I have double vision. The last surgery gave me something called torsion which means that the image in my left eye (yes there are still two separate images) is tilted. It's bizarre and horrible. I'm walking around in a fucking fun house and feel nauseated most of the time. And, needless to say, I am depressed.
I have a painting on my easel that is all but finished, but I can't drag myself down there to put the last few strokes on it. This sucks.
Thinking
Boy, does time ever pass quickly. I haven't written anything in here since March. I also haven't posted any pictures of the paintings I've completed....or painted over. I guess it just doesn't seem that important. I think it's more important that I paint. I could do with a little less thinking, however. Today I wondered why I had to not show people how devastated I am when they leave me.
Continuing
I'm still painting. I have two new ones that are almost finished and a third that I dug out of my "almost" file. And, I've started a new one. It would be nice if I could just get one done.
Epiphany
I can intellectualize with the best of them, but actually putting ideas into practice is difficult for me. I was putzing around in my studio with a painting that I thought I should modify. I wanted to put it up where I took a TV down. I get so keyed into whether the painting will be something that's "good" that it never really occurred to me that I could just mess around with the paint. It reminds me of a painting I did for my daughter so she could cover up her electrical panel. It's just a bunch of blobs and dots and in colors I rarely use (greys). It was fun. This is kind of the same; it's to put on my kitchen wall, not enter into a contest. So, I'm going to try and have fun with it and will finish the last of the close up ocean paintings another day.
Winning
You know, we sometimes act like it's not about winning. We are doing something to: get closure, come to terms with, for the competition, see what we are capable of, keep our head in the game, etc. But what it really comes down to is that we all want to win. Some of us more than others, but I'm willing to admit that what I really want is to win. I see parents and their "a trophy for everyone" practice and I support the idea behind the effort. However, unless we change our human condition, I don't think it's going to work.
Mess with success?
I actually am doing OK painting in the new space. It's not ideal, but once I'm use to something it's fine. It helps that the painting I'm working on is going much better. Here's a wierd thing; I've slept well for the last 7 nights. I have had trouble sleeping for the past 6 or 7 years and I think this may be a first. Of course, I'm looking for all the reasons why this is happening. What I've come up with makes about as much sense as anything else; I've been eating mangos at every dinner. I just hope it keeps on happening and I will keep eating mangos just in case.
What is it this time?
I attempted to paint today. It's the first time in a new space. The light isn't very good and it's kind of tight in there. I know these are just excuses because I've painted in better, and in worse. It's going to take some getting use to. For one thing, it's carpeted. I put canvases down on the floor and it's cushy, but weird. The sink is for a bathroom and it doesn't feel very utilitarian. I don't have a routine down yet and it's all discombobulated. It was not a very positive experience and the painting I'm working on just seems to get worse. Maybe I will have to start something completely new. I can just add this one to the huge pile of unfinished canvases. Believe me, there are a lot.
Studio
I had a professor at the U of O who encouraged us to spend time in our studios. She said we didn't necessarily have to paint, but we should just be in there doing whatever. (I think I've already written about this, but who can remember or wants to go back and read my old entries?) Anyway, she said if we spent enough time in there we would eventually paint. So, I'm taking that to heart. I drug a painting out of the many I have stacked up and decided to hang in by my back door. It didn't have the edges painted (which I started doing when the cost of framing became so prohibitive) and so I decided to do that. My studio is not really very workable since I moved, but I did have decent lighting put in. Long story, longer, I had to tighten the easel (why do Europeans have to use 17 different tools to make something?), and organize to get it done. I enjoyed the time I spent in there and so did the cat. Maybe I will finish that painting that's almost done.
Here's another bit of self knowledge; I'm basically a lazy perfectionist. I don't know if it's the perfectionism that prevents me from starting or the laziness.
Money
Happy New Year! I think it must be time to make resolutions. I've always looked upon this as an exercise in futility and one I refuse to participate in. However, I've noticed that I do make a list without making a list. Primarily my resolutions are to exercise, get my tax stuff together early, spend less money and paint; not necessarily in that order. I have set the Wii up, thought about the taxes and.....
I think all people my age worry about money. Time is running out and there's only so much to be had. If we haven't saved by now, or inherited, we are up a creek. I mostly worry rather than do anything about it. Like yesterday, I went to the mall, which I rarely do for obvious reasons. (Malls in the suburbs are worth an entry of their own.) I walked by the Jimmy Choo shoes, designer handbags, etc. I felt pretty good that I wasn't even tempted by these items I may have coveted in the past. I bought some chocolate and a calendar for my daughter. I didn't buy anything else, but what I really wanted was a Tesla. Not a pair of shoes, mind you, but a fricking luxury electric vehicle.
Sometimes all the self knowledge in the world, is just that. I see myself for what I am and I keep doing what I've always done; think I'm saving money while wanting something I do not need.
Getting Old
Is is getting old or growing old? All I know is that it's happening to me. My dad use to say it beats the altenative, but who knows if that is true. What I do know is that the time whizzes by and I think I know why. What use to take me 5 minutes now takes me about 30. Now that the holidays are over, I'm trying to get the decorations down and put away. I kind of go from project to project leaving a huge mess in my wake. So the best example is today when I'm trying to take down the outside lights (I put them in the back yard so I could enjoy them). While I'm taking the lights down, I step in dog shit. So, I leave that and come inside to wash off my shoe. I do it in the laundry room, but I can see very well because I took the light bulb out over the sink. (The people who bulit this house put one million overhead cans in and the electric bill was shocking; thus the removal of the bulb.) Anyway, so I go to the basement to get the pole to put a light bulb in because the short ladder I already brought in is too short. So, I get the bulb in and then I'm afraid it might not be tight and will fall on my dogs in the night. So, I go get the taller ladder and double check the bulb. Oops, one more ladder to put away and the goddamn pole. Then I go to scrub my shoe and realize I can't see worth shit and have to find a pair of glasses.
My point? It took me at least a half hour, maybe more to do this. But how long should it take to get dog shit off your shoe? They say getting older really messes with your sense of time. If this next year is going to fly by as quickly as the last one, I had better get to work making it worth it.
No Excuses
I cannot believe how long it's been since I've written. It's been a busy year. Cooper's brother came to live with me so now I have two Cardigan's. They are great companions, but still puppylike in much of their behavior. I've also moved again. I have no excuse for that either. Restless, I guess. I went to a memorial for a high school classmate today. I ran into someone (Hi Stan!) who said he had been reading my blog and asked if I was still painting. I had no idea that people were actually reading this. So, if you are, and I haven't heard from you in a while, post a comment.
My studio is only half set up (as is the rest of the house). I know the holidays are right around the corner. I know I need to paint. Otherwise the days are way too long. AS for writing here, well we shall see. No excuses!
Long Time
Wow, I haven't painted since November. My excuses are the holidays and Cooper. I got Cooper on January 21st and he was just 9 weeks old. I added a picture of him on my bio. I also have been to Italy and Croatia with my friend Megan who just go out of the Peace Corp (I also added a picture of us). All in all, I've been busy, but I have no really good excuses for not painting. However, at some point I prepared two canvases and today I actually put paint on one!